Couples Counselling – What can I expect?

27 Nov Couples Counselling – What can I expect?

Introduction 

The couples I work with generally fall into three categories: those looking to improve their relationship or anticipating a problem, those whose relationship is in crisis and at risk of ending, and those who have a specific problem they are trying to solve (infidelity, porn use, sexual incompatibility). In all cases, communication and conflict are usually the core problems couples complain of in our initial consultations. Therefore, most of our work together focuses on these aspects so couples can learn the tools to resolve their differences and restore the loving connection that originally brought them together. 

Mirroring and the Importance of Listening for Communication 

Within the first session, partners are encouraged to learn how to start listening to each other, validating what they have said, and empathising with the other’s experience. This skill is essential because for communication to be successful, the other partner needs to listen to and understand what the other person is saying. Too often, communication breaks down because both partners do not even understand what their partner is trying to communicate. Therapists are particularly well-suited to teach this skill since it is foundational to the work we do. Rather than communicating with the therapist, however, partners are required to talk to each other in session and begin practicing this skill right away. Once they can start hearing what their partner is saying, each partner will be in a much better position to start meeting their needs or empathising with what they have heard. 

Positivity 

Another important aspect that is emphasised in the first session is increasing positive experiences. Research shows that for every 1 negative interaction a couple has, they need 5 positive interactions to compensate for it. Before couples start mirroring the problems in their relationship, they start by mirroring the things they appreciate about each other to increase their feelings of positivity. They are also instructed to describe their ideal relationship to each other and have the other partner mirror their understanding back to them. 

Couples are also encouraged to start having positive experiences with each other, whether this is kind words, affection, or quality time together, couples take a pledge to start engaging in these activities. And, in the case where conflict does arise, couples are encouraged to try to stop these interactions as soon as possible and attempt to repair the relationship right away. Conflicts can then be addressed in the therapy session, where the therapist can help them safely navigate this complicated aspect of relationships. 

Conflict 

Conflict is inevitable to relationships. In fact, research shows that 69% of conflict in a relationship is never fully resolved. To address this problem, couples counselling helps clients learn to navigate their conflict in a way that allows both partners to feel heard and understood. There are 4 different ways of communicating conflict that will predict the end of a relationship: criticism, stonewalling, contempt, and defensiveness. Couples therapists are trained to recognize when couples engage in these patterns and offer alternative ways of communicating. For example, with criticism, the partner is instead encouraged to communicate their feelings with I-statements, with stonewalling the partner is encouraged to self-soothe and return to the conflict later, with contempt they are asked to focus on their partner’s good qualities, and defensiveness asks the partner to take responsibility for the part they played in the problem. As you can see, conflict is very complicated and hard to navigate, and this is why couples are encouraged to save their problems for the therapy session until they have learned how to manage conflict on their own. 

The End Goal 

Ultimately the goal of couples therapy is to return the couple to the original loving connection that brought them together. Additionally, the deeper couples go, the more they learn that a lot of their conflict comes from unmet needs endured during their formative years in childhood. As couples begin to learn about their unmet needs, they can start to position themselves to where they can either meet their partner’s needs or empathize with them to the point where the other partner feels the loving response they did not receive when young. Being able to move past these wounds can be healing for each partner and create a sense of wholeness each partner has never experienced before in their lives. 

Conclusion 

So much time is spent with your partner that if you have not established a safe space between the two of you, a lot of stress and mental energy can be lost in worry, sadness, and fear. Couples therapy can be so rewarding because you can immediately start to see the relief as couples finally hear what the other is saying and adjust how they behave to make their partner’s lives easier. But ultimately, the most rewarding experience is watching as couples move past the negative relational experiences that have followed them their whole lives and receive from their partner the love they never received before. 

By: Dana Corrigan, Registered Provisional Psychologist, MACP, B.A.(Psych)

 If you would like more information about couples counselling or to book an appointment with Dana, call (403)-523-9399 or book online at https://stillwaterspsych.janeapp.com.