28 Jan Common Mistakes Parents Make When Kids Fail
FYI… perfect parenting is a myth! We’re all just trying to do the best we can and aim for good enough rather than perfect. It’s okay if we don’t get it right the first time as long as we do our best to learn from our mistakes. Some common mistakes that parents make when it comes to letting their child fail can be beneficial to know so we can do our best to avoid them.
Praising abilities and outcomes
“You learned that so quickly, you’re so smart!”. But what would have happened if they didn’t learn so quickly? The problem with praising our children on abilities and outcomes is that although these statements momentarily boost our child’s confidence, they can harm their motivation and confidence when their talent is apparent during the next challenging task. Children begin to understand that if success means you’re smart, then failure would mean you’re dumb. Instead, we want to praise them for their effort. For example, “you really try hard to listen to your teacher, and it’s paying off!”.
Dismissing feelings
Dismissing your child’s feelings may be unintentional because you may just be wanting to jump in and quickly fix everything that’s wrong. Saying things like “don’t worry” or “it’s not a big deal” can be hurtful to your child if it’s a big deal to them. They might start to wonder if there is something wrong with them for feeling this way if their feelings are repeatedly dismissed. They may ultimately stop sharing their feelings because the message they receive is that their feelings are not important. It’s important to remember that things may feel like a big deal to children, so it’s important to do our best in trying to see things from their perspective. Offer them words for what they are feeling, validate their emotion, and let them know that you are there with them.
Taking over
This is closely related to overparenting. Taking over looks like stepping in to make decisions or do things for our children that they could otherwise do themselves, despite struggles and challenges. Of course, it can be difficult to watch them struggle, but instead of taking over, be present and wait for them to ask for help. Something as simple as your child struggling to zip up their coat. Even if you see them getting frustrated, encourage them to continue trying and watch them move through frustration and successfully complete the task.
Blaming others
Instead of pointing the finger at our children for failure, it can be easier to point the finger at others – like coaches and teachers – to relieve the child of disappointment. Blaming someone or something else for failure might feel better in the short term but does not help them improve and reach their goals in the future. If we teach our children that others are responsible for their failure, then what could they ever do to succeed? Allowing the child to move through rejection and failure with accountability re-instills their confidence to have the abilities and tools to change for a better outcome in the future.
If you’re interested in learning more about how to support your child through failure or you are seeking help for other parenting challenges, I welcome you to book an appointment with me at Still Waters Psychology – https://stillwaterspsych.janeapp.com/locations/still-waters-psychology/book#/staff_member/3 or by calling (403)-523-9399
By: Kennedy Paterson, Registered Provisional Psychologist, MACP, B.A.(Psych)
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