18 Jun The Adult in the Room: Why Regulation is the Foundation of Leadership
The Adult in the Room: Why Regulation is the Foundation of Leadership
By Ashley Shaw
Still Waters Psychology – Raising Champions: Ashley’s Corner
If you’ve ever lost it with a kid, this post is for you.
No shame. No judgment. We’ve all been there.
Whether you’re a coach barking at a practice gone off the rails, or a parent trying to get out the door without tears (yours or theirs), you’ve likely reached a moment where your nervous system takes over—and not in a good way.
Here’s the thing:
🧠 The adult’s nervous system is the most powerful leadership tool in any room.
Kids don’t learn self-regulation from words.
They learn it from us.
💡 The Science Behind It
Before kids can self-regulate, they co-regulate—meaning they borrow the emotional state of the adult nearby.
When we’re grounded, they settle.
When we’re chaotic, they escalate.
It’s not manipulation—it’s biology.
And that’s why emotional leadership starts with your own regulation.
🔄 What Does Regulation Actually Look Like?
It’s not about perfection or silence.
It looks like:
- Taking a breath before reacting
- Saying “I need a moment to think” instead of yelling
- Recognizing your triggers before they spill over
- Modeling a do-over when you mess up
That’s leadership. That’s what real strength looks like to a kid.
🧭 3 Tools to Practice Adult Regulation
1. Anchor your breath
Try the 4-7-8 technique or box breathing. Do it with your child.
2. Narrate your internal state
“I’m feeling overwhelmed, so I’m going to take a deep breath.”
That one sentence teaches more than a thousand lectures.
3. Repair quickly and openly
When you lose your cool, say:
“I got upset and raised my voice. That’s not how I want to handle hard moments. I’m working on it.”
💬 The Bottom Line
Kids don’t need perfection.
They need steadiness.
And steadiness is something you can practice.
The most powerful adult in the room isn’t the loudest.
It’s the one who knows how to stay centered—and teaches kids they can, too.
👇 What helps you stay regulated under pressure?
Let’s learn from each other in the comments.
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